My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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