He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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