I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
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