and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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