1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
