Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
that's an acceptable place to lick
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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