come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
