really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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