update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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