Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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