I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
