Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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