Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
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