I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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