I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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