I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
