Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
