my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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