Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
