Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
