my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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