i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
