Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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