You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
