he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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