my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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