when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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