so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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