Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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