It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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