You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
