i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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