If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
