K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
