I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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