she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
