I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
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