Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
