Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
