Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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