I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
