I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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