A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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