Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There's always time for handjobs
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I can't put those talents on a resume
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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