Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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