So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just tell him i said nine months
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
