I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
