Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
