How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
