Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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